Monetizing Relationships

Every relationship comes with a moral obligation. The trend has been that if that moral obligation is not being met, the obligor is made to pay in lieu of the obligation. So, instead of taking care of the elderly parents, citizens started contributing to the common pool called Social Security. If a husband was not caring for his family, either due to adultery, desertion or both, he was made to pay alimony and child support. If a losing employer isn't able to take care of its employees, they normally offer a severance. So far, the trend of monetarily compensating for a broken relationship makes sense. But the latest turn that the trend took, i think is certainly a cause for concern.

Now, not only is the obligor made to pay when s/he is at fault, but also when there is "no fault" on his or her part - essentially paving way for monetizing the most sacred spousal relationship that is so crucial for civilization to prosper. So, a conniving obligee spouse can essentially trick someone into marriage, spend a few years getting whatever he or she can from the marriage and when the balance just starts to tilt towards the benefits from a separation than staying in a marriage, invoke the privilege of a legal separation. Cleverer are those who would want the money, freedom, and other benefits from a legal separation (or from a "settlement" from criminal case in India) and still would want to enjoy the benefits of a marriage to an unsuspecting, loving, and caring spouse. Sounds unbelievable, but yes, there are such ambitious entrepreneurs of marriage.

The trend has now come to the extent of monetizing spousal, employee and child / parent relationships. But there are many other relationships, which also come with an obligation, though not as significant as spousal or child-parent obligations. For instance, in Indian culture, a brother is bound to entertain and provide some comforts to his sister's family. When i was young, my paternal aunt's entire family used to stay in our home for months at a time. In spite of the problems with them, we all loved it, assuming that it was my father's duty to support them. The time seems to have come now, when the obligations started to contend with each other. "If your sister's family stays even a day more, i'm out of here!" or "You want to lose me for your mother who will die in a few days?" don't sound unfamiliar any more. If the sisters' leagues were as strong as spousal leagues, we probably may have had laws for "sister support" by now. But alas, the issue hasn't been as significant (yet).

What's next? We already heard of the news when subscribers dumped friends on facebook for a whopper. The trend is really catching up. Soon one day, we may have systems and laws monetizing every relationship and possibly the obligations that the relationships entail, relieving, for instance, a neighbor of the obligation to give a ride to the doctor, a relative of the obligation of taking care of someone unwell, and so on. With a law being framed for every little forceful outburst from a section of society, laws may soon replace love on earth, as if money is what will remain forever.

I sincerely hope that the world will start realizing that law is not a silver bullet. Love is. Just that making a law is far more easier than fostering love at such a large scale. But the latter is not impossible either. In my younger days in India, a common man hardly encountered law. Even today, laws do not seem to be having as much impact in India as they should, because people still go by their heart when doing things, until of course, they discover the law on their side.

The Chemistry of Castes

Why do liquids and gases mix and solids don't? It all
depends on the packing density of the molecules. Liquids and
gases are loosely packed and there is more hollowness in
them. Not so with solids. I think the same applies to
people. The denser their hearts are packed with feelings,
biases, grudges, emotions, etc., the difficult it is for
them to mix with others and accept others. That's probably
the reason why teen-age kids who resemble their parents in
every respect don't care for castes when they fall in love,
but some of their parents are dead against. Parents are
filled with these feelings, whereas kids still have the
hollowness.

I strongly believe in the Hindu caste system, but not as it
is practiced today. I'm very sure that the originators did
not have this kind of divisive practice in mind. Castes
would've been created to bring people together, not to drive
them apart. Nothing in this world ever started with a bad
intention in mind - just that it got diluted and distorted
to suit individuals' interests over time. As long as we have
"work is worship" on top of our minds and respect every form
of work, caste system is a great boon.

Castes are pillars of our relatively strong marriages, our
intellectual progeny, our rich culture, and our values. So,
how can we find fault with castes? On the other hand, if
castes are so vitally successful, why do so many
intellectuals crib about castes? It's because of what I
mentioned in the previous para: the practice part. Castes
are being practiced divisively instead of cohesively, as was
originally conceived. Castes are not meant to exclude
people. They are meant to include people. Castes should help
get alliances, true. But they're not meant to exclude
alliances. When our son or daughter wants to marry an
outsider, it is absolutely against the spirit of caste
system to object to the marriage just because of the caste
part.

Caste is a way for people to get together. How do people get
together? If we study American marriages, where caste
system is not practiced at all, most couples get together
either in the school or at the workplace. But that's exactly
what is meant by "Gotra" and "caste". Gotra, my elders told
me, goes by the gurukul that our ancestors attended. Caste,
we know is the profession that our ancestors practiced. (I
know some people including us, do not marry if the gotra is
the same, which I'm sure is again hijacked from its
originality, but let's ignore it for now).

Work and school are anyday the best places to socialize.
This was particularly true in olden days, when there were no
other avocations like fitness, eating outside, etc. Castes
were thus born. So, in what way is the American society
different from the "casteist society"? It's again the
practice part. No body in America looks down upon a couple
or worse still, "exorcise" them if they marry from out of
the profession. Every one respects every other's profession
and open heartedly welcomes them to join their profession,
if the others wish to. Don't we see a BIG difference here??

The origins of most of the castes are anyway obsolete. How
many "Kshatriyas" do we see ruling today? How many current
rulers are born in the "Kshatriyas" caste? We can name many
other castes like that. Even professions, which are
ancestral and family based, like Hindu priesthood are now
being taken by the unconventional "castes". Some will find
it interesting to know that there are people not born
Brahmins who are working as regular priests in temples in
the San Francisco bay area and are doing an excellent job.

As Kabir said in this doha:

Jaati na pooch sadhu ki, pooch lijiye gyan
Mol karo talvar ka, pada rahan do myan

(Don't ask about the caste, ethnicity, etc., of a seer; Ask
about his knowledge and vision. Leave the sheath when we
set a value to the sword)

So, in my opinion, castes are not cast in stone. They are
supposed to be transient and could change from generation to
generation. Branding a person by the profession practiced by
his ancestors some 10 - 15 generations before him / her is
illogical and ridiculous and if used to attack physically or
mentally is stupid, dangerous, atrocious and cruel. People
should come together in the name of caste - not fight in the
name of caste. Caste level cultural differences are
negligible compared to so many other factors and should not
be a factor at all, if we remove the ego attached with the
caste from our hearts.

The dharma of nature is love, attraction. The unit particle
of the universe, the atom, stays put because of the love or
attraction between the nucleus and the electrons. Molecules
are formed by bonding (remember ionic bond, covalent bond,
etc.?) between the atoms. Matter exists because of love,
bonding, attraction and falls apart if hatred and repulsion
take their place. The english movie, Fifth element drives
home this point. Love is the fifth element and world is
incomplete just with the four elements that we know of right
now. Hatred for any reason, be it religion, caste, or at an
individual level, enmity, family feuds, professional
rivalry, etc. is adharma.

I used to be puzzled when the pope used to request amnesty
for some of the worst criminals sentenced to death row. Not
that I support such a request, but loving even the worst
possible enemy is divinity. Of course, duty to the mankind
dictates in unambiguous terms that even if we love them,
they have to bear the consequences of their actions. This is
what should guide us when taking harsh decisions about loved
ones. An extreme concept of this is shown in the last
mother-son scene of the movie 'Pelli' ('Koyi dil se pochche'
in hindi). Love should not eclipse duty as in
Dhritharashtra's case.

Our family always had this practice in our Indian home on
and off for at least 3 generations now, where we keep the
common door with our tenants, unbolted / open. We lived with
so many of such tenants, belonging to varied castes,
regions, and languages, almost like one family. Not a single
time did I feel that this other family is way different from
ours that they have to be categorized by a different caste.
I'm sure most of us have friends from varied backgrounds. We
visit them and they visit us, some of them almost become
part of our family. Do we see a major difference that
requires a separate categorization?

One of those good days when I met the Vice President of
State Bank of India, San Jose and told him that my father
was with a national bank too, he replied, "Oh, so we belong
to the same family". That's what I expect to hear from more
and more people. My parents belong to the banker's caste. I
belong to the software engineer's caste. My gotra is Osmania
University and my father's gotra is Arts and Science
College, Warangal. Chemistry tells us that to avoid this
"caste polarization", we need to shed this charge called
"ego" on us, if present that is, and stay neutral.

As an aside, let me tell you: Those 3 or 4 years of
Bachelor's work at college is the most precious schooling
and that's what imparts our character and transforms our
future. That's why, Osmania University and not California
State University, is my gotra. Prior and subsequent degrees
are just those - prior and subsequent degrees. For e.g., you
take a PhD from a ranked university like say, Georgia Tech
University, Atlanta (MIT is a different beast), with a
bachelor's from IIT, M and his PhD classmate (G' Tech, A,
same branch, same batch) with a bachelor's from OUCE. We can
still see a difference. Mind you, I didn't say which way the
difference is. That's subjective. Life's like that and we
have to accept it. In fact, these kind of differences are
desirable in relations and are enjoyable, if the "ego" part
is set aside.

Last name (or surname) is more than enough to identify
lineage. When we are not getting our professions by
inheritance, it does not make sense to inherit the caste
associated with the profession. Even if we inherit, it does
not make any sense to attach any importance to such an
association. Incidentally, most of the surnames in this
world are actually names of professions - Smith, Shepherd,
Taylor, Carpenter, Guerrero (means a warrior - like a devar
/ kamma in South Indian context), Cook, Turner, Engineer, etc.
Does anyone attach any importance to such names? Others
would probably find it very amusing to know that everything
from favoritism to fights, from introductions to marriages
in India are based on such last names.

Yes, introductions. Many times when I get introduced to
telugu people, they ask me my last name and immediately
comment on caste or enquire about it. More than a decade
ago, a gentleman actually brought a match for me based on my
visiting card that I gave him in Bangalore. Last weekend, I
met a Rajasthani in the laundry room, who was curious about
my last name. I told him and was surprised when he asked me
the exact same questions as other telugu people do when they
hear my last name. I asked him what is the basis for his
guess, if he knows anyone / anything about my last name.
"Nope," he said. "The sound the name makes made me guess,"
he said. "Wow!" I thought.

There is one and only one natural difference in this world -
that between good and bad. Every other difference is for us
to understand, appreciate and enjoy, never to fight about.
Variety is the spice of life. What's life without a
difference? So, let's make a difference. Let's appreciate
the differences instead of whining about them. Most of us
accept that God took the incarnation of a boar, a tortoise,
a fish, and donned the role of a cowherd, but still did not
get the message deep down the heart that every form of the
creation needs to be revered and respected. The priests, the
board members and the government allow the temple rituals in
Tirumala / Tirupathi to be started by a cowherd every day,
but still label the profession of a cowherd as a 'socially'
backward class and do nothing to remove that stigma from the
profession.

Let me end with this joke, which was told during one of our
Moral Science classes in our high school. A Hindu family and
a Muslim family were very good neighbours for many years.
The Hindu family had a 5-year old boy and the Muslim family
had a girl of almost the same age. The boy was very curious
about things and asked his parents why their neighbours are
called Muslims while they are Hindus. Parents told him he's
too young to bother about such things. He asked his
neighbours and they too told the same. One day, when he went
to the neighbour's house, he saw the little girl coming out
after a bath without the towel on her. The moment he saw
her, he exclaimed with a great sense of achievement, "Aha,
now I know the difference between Hindus and Muslims."

Let's hope to see more hollow hearts and happy souls in the
future.